It all start at the wrong places and the wrong people. It was Friday night and my best friend drew had a house party everyone from brick street came,Drew was in that gang it was a bad ass gang everyone was scared of them beside the miller st. Brick st and the miller st always had problem's because brick street robbed one of the miller boys and killed him that happen like to month's ago so you no they wanted pay back.
They heard about the party at Drew's house,everyone new where he lived because he likes to party and he always has a house party like friday . they really though they were strong so the came to Drew's house party and they started drama like pushing everyone tryin' to start fight with people so then one of them push drew and you know drew is always up for a fight hes not a pussy so he hit one (BANG!!!) the miller got knocked out drew was laughing because he no it wood be an easy fight.
"Dumbass" alex said.
everything went black and all u heard was a sound that a gun wood only make. (BANG! BANG!)
two shot to drews arm. BOOms the floor moved when Drew went down
Evertone ran out the house leaving me and Drew. I new that drew thought he was going to die i could bye the look in had on his face. I called 911 so fast that i was shock .
ten min later the cop and everyone came drew was still on the floor iwas in shock and still i didnt do what to say or what to do but i wasnt going to leave him there . people from the hospitel pick him up and took him away.
The next day i went to my other best friend luis
i open the doot and all i heard was screams of sadnes i ran to the living room luis mom was crying and i asked her
"WHAT HAPPEN WHERES LUIS!" alex said.
Luis mom luis was kiled they found his body at 9 am. god damn i hate them miller boys i hope they all die and go to hell for the stuff they did.
My mind NEVER NEVER NEVER thought that both of my best friend wouldd be shot on the same day damn my world would be the same with out him me drew and luis were always together damn thing sure change fast in one night.
right there and then i new I have to live my life and do whats better for me and the only thing i had in my mine that i could do so I can make my life better is stay in school and become a doctor to help my friends when they in the hospital
six month
The next day i found our that Drew came out the hospital just in time i finish high school. My family made me a big ass party for me , Drew came and i was mad happy I haven't seen him in so long that water came out my eyes and then i told him to sit down and I said to tell him the good new and the bad news.
Alex: Drew man I'm going to college bro.
Drew: REALLY!!! that's whats up bro! , I'm so happy cuz I dnt want u to end up like me in this stupid gang killing one each other for no reason like if u really look at it we dnt have a reason to kill the miller boy's.
Alex: What made me go was luis death bro the sadness from his mom it change my life.
Drew: DAMN WHAT THE FUCK BRO!!. HOW THE FUCK DID HE DIE!.
I look at drew and he started to cry he was more best friend with luis den me but its cool they knew each other since they were baby like they can even say there brothers.
Alex: he got shoot in the head and they found him at 9 a .m. .
I look at him again and I knew that he didn't wanna be here.
Drew damn mean but when r u leaving?
Alex: in like 2 or 3 weeks
Drew. oh well i have to go man, have a good time don't forget about me
Alex: HAAA man never your my best best friend and iight bro be careful
Drew close the door when he walked out, in those two week I didn't see Drew it just seem like he became a ghost like he was never there.
MY first college is about to be over and my mother called me and told me, "your having a baby brother" I got so happy because now i knew i had to finish college so my little brother can look up and follow my foot steps . I new i was going to be a good brother .
if u cant see the words high light it
ReplyDeleteAndre,
ReplyDeletePraise: I loved how you elaborated on why the gangs don't like each other and made the part where Drew got shot more detailed. I really like how your main character learns that his life can change in an instant and that he realizes he doesnt want to live they way he has been and instead wants to become educated and better himself. Also the way you made the characters react to the things that happened in the story made them seem very real. For example the main character's sadness over losing his friend and his excitment about becoming a big brother. Your use of dialogue also helped make the story more interesting and real.
Question: Who is Alex?
What is the narrator's name?
How do they know that Luis was shot by the other gang?
Is Drew completly fine now or does he have any permanent injuries from being shot?
How did everyhting that happened change or affect Drew?
Polish:
There are times in your story where I get kind of lost or confused because you sometimes leave out periods and don't always capitilize the first letter at the beginning of each sentence.
Sometimes you write like people talk ( for example using the word mad incorrectly) which is okay to use in dialogue but just makes the story confusing when used in description or when the narrator is thinking.
You also have some spelling and grammer mistakes and have to put dialogue in quotation marks and switch back and forth between third and first person point of view.